Remastered: A Letter to an Old Lover - T

Post was originally written and posted on May 2nd, 2018.

DISCLAIMER: Dramatics. Lots of it. Adjusted some passages for current relevant events and feelings. Some things are exaggerated for entertainment.

- - - - - - - WRITER'S NOTE - - - - - - -

Before dialogue starts, subject is seen to open an email from an elite cosmetics company, containing a job offer that's a culmination of everything she had been working for.

Subject purses her lips, looks at her phone, and immediately grabs it to call someone, but stops herself. She then grabs whatever she needs to write this dang letter and voice over starts.

Picture subject in the year 2022/2023. Doesn't seem like there's much to change. She probably just looks older.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear you,

It’s been about six years. I don’t know if you still have the same phone number, but your family probably still lives at the address I’m sending it to. Maybe, they’ll pass this on to you. Maybe, they won’t. Either way, I’m writing to you, just like I used to. I don’t know if you’ve kept any of my old letters, or lost them in a move, or got rid of them for any possible significant other, but I hope you keep this one for a long enough time to read it by some peaceful place with a pretty view that’s close by.

I finished cosmetology school. Finally, after talking about it for so damn long. All those nights where we would talk about where we would be in 5 years, crossfaded on Three Olives and Blue Dream. And I might make a big move soon, because I got offered my dream job. Goodness, I never thought this day would come. I’m finally getting my shit together after the longest internal struggle that could have ever existed. I can finally prove to people that I’ve grown up. I can finally make a name for myself and be independent just like we hoped I would. It wasn’t an easy ride though. Countless nights of coffee and crying and cramming were lonely and lacking in motivation. Struggles like that were difficult to face alone. Although it was my choice to face it that way, I can’t help but think how it would have been if you were there to quiz me before tests and cheer me on, or drive up to 7/11, grab me a blue monster, and drop it off at the school I was at.

I smoke regularly now. Sometimes to relieve stress, but really I do it cause I miss you sometimes. Some of the best memories I can’t forget happened when we’re high off of a nicotine rush and all we do is smile and laugh at how weird the world is. How weird I was. How odd we were and how we somehow worked out. Weed finally got regulated, and it's legal to use now. As odd as it sounds, I used to smoke sometimes so I can feel secure... so I can reminisce and attempt to feel what a safe space was like again. It's been a while since I've done that. I've slowly learned how to make a safe space on my own.

I drive now too. I finally got my license. I’d say it’s for efficiency’s sake but really I can’t sit on the passenger side of the car anymore.. Or at least, I really try not to. My mind wanders in places it shouldn’t and I can’t avoid thoughts of what could have been. I sit there and do nothing but watch the road and occasionally glance at the driver mid conversation like I used to, with you.. How most of the best adventures I’ve ever had have happened with you driving with only one hand on the wheel, the other with mine. It's too much, but it always can't be helped. I'm alright with driving all the time. It helps me clear my head. It helps me think, without the distraction of memories that I wanted to be real, at one point in time.

I’ve been on some great adventures too, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem as fulfilling as I thought it would be. I travelled a ton. I’ve confirmed that my favourite place in the entire world is still Harry Potter World in Orlando, Florida. I’ve gone to the tropical islands of my motherland and rediscovered a love for the people there, and a love for the natural scenery the earth, sky, and ocean has to offer. I’ve learned to love diving into the depths of the ocean and be there for as long as I can. I've also rediscovered my love for food, and how I can immerse myself in different kinds of culture by way of what brings everyone together. There have been many moments where I've paused and wished I could share those experiences with you, but look away in disappointment, because you're never going to be there.

I still have trouble sleeping still. It just doesn’t feel the same anymore. My bed isn’t soft enough, the body pillow that tries to be you is too cold and lumpy, and my head just can’t seem to sink into the pillow right. It’s missing the warmth of something affectionately human. Yet, somehow I still find myself burrowing my face into my pillow before I go to bed, trying to mimic the comfort that existed between your left neck and shoulder. It was a perfect fit. We were a perfect fit.

If the thought of me being happy with someone else crosses your mind, I don’t really know what to tell you. You don’t have to worry about me. I am happy. I am grateful for being able to wake up and still be present; still be here for the people that I love. I’m accomplishing goals that really matter to me, some of them I fought really hard for. I still make other people smile and laugh with my antics, my silly word inventions, and my goofball tendencies. Sometimes I even make myself laugh.

Just not with anyone.

I don’t know how else to explain this silly belief that I have. I honestly believe that you only get one.

One person that fully understands you, the one person that just gets it.

The dark, messed up comedy.

The weird mannerisms and sound effects that arise from awkward situations.

The odd preferences, like roasting someone to show affection.

The try-hard Beyoncé-like concerts in the car, regardless if I had a voice that day or not.

The insatiable love for ginger and wasabi on the side when it came to sushi.

The barbecue sauce on my omelets and fries. A deadly, culinary sin, I know.

The large coke with the extra ice, so I can ice chew my anxiety away.

The black olives and sweet onion sauce in my subway sandwiches.

The sacrifice of being big spoon all the time, because I'm too little to take the role.

The choice of still consuming dairy, despite my lactose intolerance. Worth it.

The girly bubble baths with the bath salts, and messing with your hair out of habit.

The getting rid of blackheads because it's extremely satisfying, and the back rubs that come after.

The accidental movie spoilers. Again, I'm so sorry.

The want to learn spanish from netflix shows about drug cartels in Central America.

All of that and more, because there were too many things to mention or remember.

The one person that’s the perfect fit.

And I think I already got mine.

If I’m being honest, I think I’m good. I haven’t felt the need to look for anyone else. And, I’m okay with just being by myself. I don’t think I can let anyone in like that again. I don't think I want to. Not because I don’t want to be hurt again, but I think feeling that sense of intimacy once with anyone is enough. I don't yearn to experience that high anymore, like I used to.

Please don’t be worried, and please don’t blame yourself for my choices. I’m more than happy that I was blessed enough to be able to experience that in my life time.

Some people aren’t as lucky.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you never doubt yourself or feel unmotivated and uninspired. You are meant for such great things and I hope and I pray that you’re reaching the dreams and goals that you have always wanted to reach. I wish the light in your eyes stay the same whenever you discover new adventures and new aspirations to conquer.

This is getting long enough. I'm trying to say goodbye and that I'm letting us go, but I’m running out of paper to write on. I talk a lot, I’m sorry. I always get carried away. Oops.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I can only hope that you're flourishing. There's so much of life to live and love, and I've found that. I hope you find that, too.

Take care of yourself.

Always,

A.